it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
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