i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
