My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Randomize
