Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
