Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
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