we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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