is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
