life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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