he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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