im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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