it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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