ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
please come you make the beer taste better
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
