Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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