I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
