life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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