i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Its about making memories worth repressing
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
