She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
