dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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