My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
