He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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