fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I'm like, not good at living.
Randomize
