Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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