I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
