I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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