accomplished twins. life is a go
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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