Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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