just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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