New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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