Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
