I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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