My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
