soooo we both peed the bed last night...
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
