Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
