no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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