don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
