how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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