i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
