Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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