Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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