so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
He kissed a someone with a penis
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
