After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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