She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
