Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize