just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize