who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
