If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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