I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
