Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
