so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Sorry my hands just texted you
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
