Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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