why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
