We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Well I just put wine in my tea
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
