i permit you to call me
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
