I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Michael Bay diarrhea
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Randomize
