I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
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