I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
