Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
