Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
