decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
