You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
