Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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