I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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