last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
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