Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
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