You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Randomize
