census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Randomize
