the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
