Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
