Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
