just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
