the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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