I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Randomize
