I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
But we have bathrooms and they dont
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