So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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