I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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