he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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