He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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