Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
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