Say something about gay babies.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize