Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
her facebook's as public as her vagina
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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