in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
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