Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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