I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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