whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
